52 PickUp - Highlights
The following highlights are from interviews we conducted during 52 PickUp in 2017.
"Seth" by Marisa
I remember part of a dream from last night,
so I thought I would share it.
My wife and I are exploring the Mexican desert.
We come upon a wooden shack, like a miner's cabin.
The walls have gaps in the boards and everything is kind of flimsy,
like our old front porch.
In the bedroom there's a single bed with a thin mattress over springy slats,
like from a prison.
Lying naked in the bed,
with the sheets bunched up at his feet,
is our neighbor Paul McCarthy.
He's pushing out a huge, well formed turd.
It's shaped like a slightly segmented beer can.
My wife and I look at each other, and without saying a word,
walk to the kitchen,
and leave through a tall, narrow wobbly door.
The landscape outside is scattered with Paul's poops,
covered in small blacks ants.
I told this to my wife and she said
I wasn't breastfed long enough as an infant.
BELIEFS
I don’t think I’ve ever believed in God.
I don’t think there’s an afterlife.
For me it doesn’t feel like a choice believing or not
I don’t think there is one so
I wouldn’t know
How to process that
If I if I did believe it.
It’s
It’s
Bug on the windshield
Splat.
That’s all.
I remember part of a dream from last night,
so I thought I would share it.
My wife and I are exploring the Mexican desert.
We come upon a wooden shack, like a miner's cabin.
The walls have gaps in the boards and everything is kind of flimsy,
like our old front porch.
In the bedroom there's a single bed with a thin mattress over springy slats,
like from a prison.
Lying naked in the bed,
with the sheets bunched up at his feet,
is our neighbor Paul McCarthy.
He's pushing out a huge, well formed turd.
It's shaped like a slightly segmented beer can.
My wife and I look at each other, and without saying a word,
walk to the kitchen,
and leave through a tall, narrow wobbly door.
The landscape outside is scattered with Paul's poops,
covered in small blacks ants.
I told this to my wife and she said
I wasn't breastfed long enough as an infant.
BELIEFS
I don’t think I’ve ever believed in God.
I don’t think there’s an afterlife.
For me it doesn’t feel like a choice believing or not
I don’t think there is one so
I wouldn’t know
How to process that
If I if I did believe it.
It’s
It’s
Bug on the windshield
Splat.
That’s all.
"Rob" by Ingrid
Oh I could write books about the people I have seen on the beach.
You know lifeguarding was not about saving lives. We had what? One guy... who died in the water but because of a heart attack.
Once, we had a shark swim by. And there was a woman out there. We didn't tell her anything. I didn't want her to panic. And the shark went on his way.
You know this beach was THE spot for single folks. By the end of the afternoon all the single people would line up close to the shore. We would call it “Asparagus Beach.” Because they would stand like that, upright facing the sea. Also they would write down and exchange where the cocktail party of the day was.
There was this guy, we called him “Mike the Greaser.” He would put on a tons of lotion and sunbathe for hours straight. He would also get strategic about his spot on the beach. He would stay in the way so he could get chatty with the ladies. He would never go in the water. Just the neck and head and back to the ladies.
The sea is good although it depends on the day. It can be really rough. Once there was this French lady who got caught in a big one. I had to go get her. So you know, I have to cross my arms against her chest but she had lost her top. Everyone was laughing on the beach. They let me stay with her in the water for a while. But I asked the guys for a towel. So we could get out.
Oh, she was single of course.
Next day, I am on the tower and a fellow lifeguard comes to me and says: “There’s someone who wants to see you.”
I came down and there she was. She gave me a great big kiss.
What else? Oh! A good one! Here.
One day I am up there and an old lady hails me down and says: (imitates her drunk) “I can’t find my daughter.” Her hair was all over the place, she was well drunk.
I said to the guys “Keep an eye on her. Put her under the tent.”
We got worried; a kid lost at the beach, you know. Can go anywhere.
Then 20 min later this lady comes up to me and says: (imitates her drunk) “I can’t find my mother.”
The guys couldn't stop laughing. I thought it was a kid.
I have this lady friend with whom I go to the casino now. My wife passed a few years ago.
Oh I could write books about the people I have seen on the beach.
You know lifeguarding was not about saving lives. We had what? One guy... who died in the water but because of a heart attack.
Once, we had a shark swim by. And there was a woman out there. We didn't tell her anything. I didn't want her to panic. And the shark went on his way.
You know this beach was THE spot for single folks. By the end of the afternoon all the single people would line up close to the shore. We would call it “Asparagus Beach.” Because they would stand like that, upright facing the sea. Also they would write down and exchange where the cocktail party of the day was.
There was this guy, we called him “Mike the Greaser.” He would put on a tons of lotion and sunbathe for hours straight. He would also get strategic about his spot on the beach. He would stay in the way so he could get chatty with the ladies. He would never go in the water. Just the neck and head and back to the ladies.
The sea is good although it depends on the day. It can be really rough. Once there was this French lady who got caught in a big one. I had to go get her. So you know, I have to cross my arms against her chest but she had lost her top. Everyone was laughing on the beach. They let me stay with her in the water for a while. But I asked the guys for a towel. So we could get out.
Oh, she was single of course.
Next day, I am on the tower and a fellow lifeguard comes to me and says: “There’s someone who wants to see you.”
I came down and there she was. She gave me a great big kiss.
What else? Oh! A good one! Here.
One day I am up there and an old lady hails me down and says: (imitates her drunk) “I can’t find my daughter.” Her hair was all over the place, she was well drunk.
I said to the guys “Keep an eye on her. Put her under the tent.”
We got worried; a kid lost at the beach, you know. Can go anywhere.
Then 20 min later this lady comes up to me and says: (imitates her drunk) “I can’t find my mother.”
The guys couldn't stop laughing. I thought it was a kid.
I have this lady friend with whom I go to the casino now. My wife passed a few years ago.
"RJ" by GG
How do you describe your life?
Well I usually tell people that I'm nomadic
Because well
everyone wants to know where I'm from or
where my base is
and I don't really have one right now
um yeah
most of my stuff is
I don't have very much stuff
and what I do have is either in my car
or in a very small storage space
in California
So um I describe it as nomadic
and um I kind of
I make choices in life now
differently than I used to
I used to try to plan things out
and make things happen
and now
I kind of more just go with the feeling
or a gut instinct, intuition
in terms or where I should go next
or what I should do there
and
I don't always ahh...
it isn't always clear about why
I'm going somewhere
you know for example right now
I'm in Missouri
I had no idea why I was coming here
except that I had a feeling
that I should go to Missouri
and it’s been such an amazing experience
in so many different ways
and everything has kind of
fallen into place so perfectly
and it’s really hard to explain but
living this way has taught me that
you can kind of trust life
to come through for you
you know
and I think that's something that I knew
when I was a lot younger
and trusted a lot more
when I was a lot younger
but
it’s a lot harder to do that when you're older
and you're expected to
follow certain paths or
live certain ways or
have reasons for things
that you can explain to people
um
yeah...
On being alive...
I was gradually making my way south
along the western border
being outside
something in the earth
something in a river, a waterfall
makes me feel most alive
I did it last week
I went down to a waterfall
in Arkansas
yeah
the thought of you know
walking down there
and walking back up
we were talking about
the whole
place was like a different place
something about
being in water in nature
it just enhances your
ability to see
or something like that
I sometimes wonder if our draw to water
has to do with evolution
how supposedly we were creatures
that crawled out of the ocean shallows
and learned to walk on dry land
its pretty crazy
but then
salt water we can't drink
and there must be people
who are really afraid of the ocean
cause
it could be really dangerous
but most of the people I know
are not
they're drawn to be by
the ocean
swimming and stuff
How do you describe your life?
Well I usually tell people that I'm nomadic
Because well
everyone wants to know where I'm from or
where my base is
and I don't really have one right now
um yeah
most of my stuff is
I don't have very much stuff
and what I do have is either in my car
or in a very small storage space
in California
So um I describe it as nomadic
and um I kind of
I make choices in life now
differently than I used to
I used to try to plan things out
and make things happen
and now
I kind of more just go with the feeling
or a gut instinct, intuition
in terms or where I should go next
or what I should do there
and
I don't always ahh...
it isn't always clear about why
I'm going somewhere
you know for example right now
I'm in Missouri
I had no idea why I was coming here
except that I had a feeling
that I should go to Missouri
and it’s been such an amazing experience
in so many different ways
and everything has kind of
fallen into place so perfectly
and it’s really hard to explain but
living this way has taught me that
you can kind of trust life
to come through for you
you know
and I think that's something that I knew
when I was a lot younger
and trusted a lot more
when I was a lot younger
but
it’s a lot harder to do that when you're older
and you're expected to
follow certain paths or
live certain ways or
have reasons for things
that you can explain to people
um
yeah...
On being alive...
I was gradually making my way south
along the western border
being outside
something in the earth
something in a river, a waterfall
makes me feel most alive
I did it last week
I went down to a waterfall
in Arkansas
yeah
the thought of you know
walking down there
and walking back up
we were talking about
the whole
place was like a different place
something about
being in water in nature
it just enhances your
ability to see
or something like that
I sometimes wonder if our draw to water
has to do with evolution
how supposedly we were creatures
that crawled out of the ocean shallows
and learned to walk on dry land
its pretty crazy
but then
salt water we can't drink
and there must be people
who are really afraid of the ocean
cause
it could be really dangerous
but most of the people I know
are not
they're drawn to be by
the ocean
swimming and stuff
"Rita" by David
BELIEFS
so you know
when this last election happened
at our church at W_____
some people were shocked and others weren’t
I mean, there were so many different viewpoints on who won
and who shouldn’t have won
and the anger
and you realize
we’re a
we’re in a church
where there are very strong liberal thoughts going on
and there's very conservative
and there's some in the middle
and it’s all across the board because it’s a nondenominational church
so you’re gonna get people from all different directions and all different viewpoints.
and so i guess in the community groups I’m in
there’s no one there that is closed-minded,
well there are certainly people there who are closed-minded
but none of them are drawing a boundary and saying “don’t ever go there”
the discussion is focused on what we are there to talk ‘bout
not necessarily, um, political
[...] If you don’t know what you believe in
and you're not looking for truth
then it's easy to really drift from one thing to another
and that's a very unsettling way to live
to just drift.
or be so easily influenced without checking it out for yourself, so yeah
RELIGION
Growing up, I was raised in a very conservative Catholic family
and of course I went to Catholic school
but, um, I remember even a very early age
First grade
[...]
I remember my holy communion
you know, your first communion
you know, where they give you that little wafer
the priest handing it to me and saying
this is the body of christ
and I clearly remember thinking
no it’s not
and I was only in first grade
and I was like, no, no
I don’t get this
and I clearly remember that moment
and so what I was accepting and wasn’t accepting
started early, as well
So being raised in Catholic school
and not buying everything they were teaching me was part of it
so I guess what I did was
I gleaned the truth from it
and pretty much filtered out the rest of it
and they’re handing me this bible and i’m like
what does it say in this bible, what is this?
because in my foundational teaching
what i gleaned from the church is
I wasn’t born by accident
I am here for a purpose
I didn’t evolve out of just nothing
I have a creator and I sensed it in me
I felt like this gift of art that I had was just not a fluke
and I’ve sensed that since I was a small child
and maybe it was through the art that I sensed it
because I felt this creative force in me
and from that I wanted to learn about who gave me this talent
why am I created this way
so you know I was influencing myself basically
I wasn’t getting this influence from friends or from church or anything
it was just me seeking truth and I was doing it through this bible.
So I became sort of a rebel in my house.
My parents were not thrilled with it.
the fact that I was trying to seek truth on my own.
[...] It made them nervous that I was reading the bible on my own
and looking for truth
and reading the bible because they didn’t do it.
And there is a lot of truth in the Catholic church
I discerned a lot from them,
but when I stopped receiving sacraments and going to confession
it made them nervous,
when I left the church completely
that was a huge blow for them
‘cause it wasn’t just me leaving the Catholic church
it was me defying everything they taught me.
so that was a rough time in our lives ‘cause
it was me standing up for what I wanted to do.
JOYS
when I was young,
when I would see something I had to draw
instead of taking notes in class, i’m drawing
because I’m inspired in that moment
but then when you get older it becomes a discipline
because you know if you go just by feelings,
well feelings can be very misleading
you can feel like, you know
oh I don’t feel like painting today
I feel like laying around in my robe and just
drinking hot chocolate on this snowy day
and there's no inspiration
but the inspiration comes from putting the paint on the palate
mixing the paints
putting the brush on the canvas
and suddenly it’s like, ok, here it is.
And I never would have gotten to that moment
If I never had gotten up off the couch
and put one foot in front the other
and started that forward motion
so the inspiration comes in the doing
and in the discipline
so sometimes I kick myself when I don’t start painting until 2
and then all of sudden I’m into the canvas
and I start thinking
what was I doing all this time
getting caught up in everyone else deals and problems or issues
when I could have been doing this
BELIEFS
so you know
when this last election happened
at our church at W_____
some people were shocked and others weren’t
I mean, there were so many different viewpoints on who won
and who shouldn’t have won
and the anger
and you realize
we’re a
we’re in a church
where there are very strong liberal thoughts going on
and there's very conservative
and there's some in the middle
and it’s all across the board because it’s a nondenominational church
so you’re gonna get people from all different directions and all different viewpoints.
and so i guess in the community groups I’m in
there’s no one there that is closed-minded,
well there are certainly people there who are closed-minded
but none of them are drawing a boundary and saying “don’t ever go there”
the discussion is focused on what we are there to talk ‘bout
not necessarily, um, political
[...] If you don’t know what you believe in
and you're not looking for truth
then it's easy to really drift from one thing to another
and that's a very unsettling way to live
to just drift.
or be so easily influenced without checking it out for yourself, so yeah
RELIGION
Growing up, I was raised in a very conservative Catholic family
and of course I went to Catholic school
but, um, I remember even a very early age
First grade
[...]
I remember my holy communion
you know, your first communion
you know, where they give you that little wafer
the priest handing it to me and saying
this is the body of christ
and I clearly remember thinking
no it’s not
and I was only in first grade
and I was like, no, no
I don’t get this
and I clearly remember that moment
and so what I was accepting and wasn’t accepting
started early, as well
So being raised in Catholic school
and not buying everything they were teaching me was part of it
so I guess what I did was
I gleaned the truth from it
and pretty much filtered out the rest of it
and they’re handing me this bible and i’m like
what does it say in this bible, what is this?
because in my foundational teaching
what i gleaned from the church is
I wasn’t born by accident
I am here for a purpose
I didn’t evolve out of just nothing
I have a creator and I sensed it in me
I felt like this gift of art that I had was just not a fluke
and I’ve sensed that since I was a small child
and maybe it was through the art that I sensed it
because I felt this creative force in me
and from that I wanted to learn about who gave me this talent
why am I created this way
so you know I was influencing myself basically
I wasn’t getting this influence from friends or from church or anything
it was just me seeking truth and I was doing it through this bible.
So I became sort of a rebel in my house.
My parents were not thrilled with it.
the fact that I was trying to seek truth on my own.
[...] It made them nervous that I was reading the bible on my own
and looking for truth
and reading the bible because they didn’t do it.
And there is a lot of truth in the Catholic church
I discerned a lot from them,
but when I stopped receiving sacraments and going to confession
it made them nervous,
when I left the church completely
that was a huge blow for them
‘cause it wasn’t just me leaving the Catholic church
it was me defying everything they taught me.
so that was a rough time in our lives ‘cause
it was me standing up for what I wanted to do.
JOYS
when I was young,
when I would see something I had to draw
instead of taking notes in class, i’m drawing
because I’m inspired in that moment
but then when you get older it becomes a discipline
because you know if you go just by feelings,
well feelings can be very misleading
you can feel like, you know
oh I don’t feel like painting today
I feel like laying around in my robe and just
drinking hot chocolate on this snowy day
and there's no inspiration
but the inspiration comes from putting the paint on the palate
mixing the paints
putting the brush on the canvas
and suddenly it’s like, ok, here it is.
And I never would have gotten to that moment
If I never had gotten up off the couch
and put one foot in front the other
and started that forward motion
so the inspiration comes in the doing
and in the discipline
so sometimes I kick myself when I don’t start painting until 2
and then all of sudden I’m into the canvas
and I start thinking
what was I doing all this time
getting caught up in everyone else deals and problems or issues
when I could have been doing this
"MC" by Rachel
DEATH
What do I think happens after we die?…
If I’m this particular pattern floating around in my skull
and its activity ceases
and my organic matter deteriorates
then, if I’m limited to thinking about time linearly,
and that there’s a thing that’s over and it’s done, then
that’s how I’d frame it.
When all the people and living creatures die…
then it might take a little while
before they come back again.
If they come back again.
What happens to the mind?
I don’t know.
Does it feel nice or unpleasant?
I haven’t done that yet, so I don’t know.
I can’t say whether it feels like a great release of burden or
It feels like, ooh,
The worst pain, or if
It’s outside the categories of those things we’ve experienced.
RACE
I remember
having to do these standardized tests in high school
and that’s the first time you have these forms
where you have pick to what race you are
in this little bubble on the form
and I remember
not knowing what to do.
I didn’t remember anyone telling me what this thing
“Caucasian” means.
So I filled in on all the forms
"I don’t know.”
I mean,
It’s a crock of shit.
Some people made it up one day because
they wanted to make a special faction for themselves.
It’s a crock of shit that has been taken seriously
Such that it becomes real.
Ok, now whiteness is a real thing.
Blackness is a real thing.
Now.
Why?
Because people wanted to choose
who gets the power and who doesn’t get the power.
If you are white,
You are racist, because
you are participating in this particular power structure.
A multitude of people have been categorized into one thing
Asian: as though that’s a genuine category of a single thing you can encapsulate
Africa: so many cultures, and languages and peoples
And we just put a blanket term around it because
We come up with simplistic terms for things.
RELIGION
I can’t explain it,
because it’s beyond explanation
and that’s how I’ve come to value the beautiful stories
that I’ve read from different traditions.
And build more of a personal connection to them.
It’s not just
“oh this thing happened to these historical people”
that’s not really relevant.
If you want to say,
“oh god wrote that down”
That’s fine
I have no problem with that.
Whoever wrote it was “God” writing it down.
That’s great.
It’s a poetic expression.
“Having the spirit in you…”
What is the spirit?
I don’t know.
Can’t put words on that thing.
I remember I looked it up once, and
The root is “re ligio”
Like “link back to the past”
And I sorta like that idea
That there are these poetic expressions
That link us back to ourselves
Not just past generations of people
But that link one’s self to the ground
Or something.
I think trying to ignore its significance
Trying to say,
“Oh I don’t need to link back”
“Onward and upward”
is neglecting one’s origins.
Who is your community?
I don’t have one of those.
What has been the best moment of your life?
I don’t really think about things that way, so
My answer would be none, because
I don’t value things in that way.
What makes you feel most alive?
Death.
What are you most afraid of?
That I won’t learn anything important.
What do I value as important?
I guess connecting with people who are natural.
What do you believe as truth? How do you decide?
Consistency.
What do you dream about?
I don’t think I do that.
DEATH
What do I think happens after we die?…
If I’m this particular pattern floating around in my skull
and its activity ceases
and my organic matter deteriorates
then, if I’m limited to thinking about time linearly,
and that there’s a thing that’s over and it’s done, then
that’s how I’d frame it.
When all the people and living creatures die…
then it might take a little while
before they come back again.
If they come back again.
What happens to the mind?
I don’t know.
Does it feel nice or unpleasant?
I haven’t done that yet, so I don’t know.
I can’t say whether it feels like a great release of burden or
It feels like, ooh,
The worst pain, or if
It’s outside the categories of those things we’ve experienced.
RACE
I remember
having to do these standardized tests in high school
and that’s the first time you have these forms
where you have pick to what race you are
in this little bubble on the form
and I remember
not knowing what to do.
I didn’t remember anyone telling me what this thing
“Caucasian” means.
So I filled in on all the forms
"I don’t know.”
I mean,
It’s a crock of shit.
Some people made it up one day because
they wanted to make a special faction for themselves.
It’s a crock of shit that has been taken seriously
Such that it becomes real.
Ok, now whiteness is a real thing.
Blackness is a real thing.
Now.
Why?
Because people wanted to choose
who gets the power and who doesn’t get the power.
If you are white,
You are racist, because
you are participating in this particular power structure.
A multitude of people have been categorized into one thing
Asian: as though that’s a genuine category of a single thing you can encapsulate
Africa: so many cultures, and languages and peoples
And we just put a blanket term around it because
We come up with simplistic terms for things.
RELIGION
I can’t explain it,
because it’s beyond explanation
and that’s how I’ve come to value the beautiful stories
that I’ve read from different traditions.
And build more of a personal connection to them.
It’s not just
“oh this thing happened to these historical people”
that’s not really relevant.
If you want to say,
“oh god wrote that down”
That’s fine
I have no problem with that.
Whoever wrote it was “God” writing it down.
That’s great.
It’s a poetic expression.
“Having the spirit in you…”
What is the spirit?
I don’t know.
Can’t put words on that thing.
I remember I looked it up once, and
The root is “re ligio”
Like “link back to the past”
And I sorta like that idea
That there are these poetic expressions
That link us back to ourselves
Not just past generations of people
But that link one’s self to the ground
Or something.
I think trying to ignore its significance
Trying to say,
“Oh I don’t need to link back”
“Onward and upward”
is neglecting one’s origins.
Who is your community?
I don’t have one of those.
What has been the best moment of your life?
I don’t really think about things that way, so
My answer would be none, because
I don’t value things in that way.
What makes you feel most alive?
Death.
What are you most afraid of?
That I won’t learn anything important.
What do I value as important?
I guess connecting with people who are natural.
What do you believe as truth? How do you decide?
Consistency.
What do you dream about?
I don’t think I do that.
